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Too Funny Not to Pass On… April 2010

April 27th, 2010

To Jessie James:

You Stupid Bugger! You cheated on Sandra Bullock? How in the world can you be so stupid?

You’re married to one of the most beautiful women in the world. She has a body to die for, and her current wealth is shadowed only by Oprah’s.

Your wife recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls, and is now named “America ’s Sweetheart.”

You may also remember, she just won an Oscar and praised you up and down in front of the world, while you were porkin’ away.

You are really a piece of work!

You’re the most hated cheater on the planet! How can you live with yourself?

There’s only one thing I have to say to a despicable, miserable, cheating piece of work like you: Thanks for taking the heat off of me; let’s do lunch.

~Tiger

Customer Reviews

April 6th, 2010

Here’s the place where our clients can write about our service and get them published. Yes, we’ll post them. All of them, even bad ones. Just make sure that you have contact information for verification prior to publishing. (We’ll take that part off if you like.)

Please write something so that others can learn about our shop and our services.

Thanks!

Jerry & “Team TAS”

Dumbest Car Guy in the World

March 21st, 2010

This picture is real - not doctored in any way - and was taken by a Transportation Supervisor for a company that delivers building materials for a lumber company.  When he saw it in the parking lot of IHOP, he went to buy a camera to take pictures.

OverloadedCar.jpg 

The car is still running, as can be witnessed by the exhaust.  The driver finally came back after the police were called, and was found crouched behind the rear of the car, attempting to cut the twine around the load!  Luckily, the police stopped him and had the load removed .

The materials were loaded at Home Depot.  Their store manager said they made the customer sign a waiver.  While the plywood and 2X4’s are fairly obvious, what you can’t see is the back seat, which contains - are you ready for this? - 10 bags of concrete @ 80 lbs. each.  They estimated the load weight at 3000 lbs.  Both back tires exploded, the wheels bent and the rear shocks were driven through the floorboard.

Think About This:

March 21st, 2010

Think about this:
1.  Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments

————————————————————————
 COWS
     Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

————————————————————————
THE CONSTITUTION
      They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq … Why don’t we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we’re not using it anymore.

————————————————————————

 THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse or Congress is this –you cannot post ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ and ‘Thou Shall Not Lie’ in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians …. It creates a hostile work environment.

———————————————————————– -

Also, think about this … if you don’t want to forward  this for fear of offending someone — YOU ARE PART OF THE  PROBLEM! It is time for America to speak up!

Thanks to Don Shepherd for passing this along!

Time Gets Better With Age

March 21st, 2010

I’ve learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing “Silent Night”.
Age 5

I’ve learned that our dog doesn’t want to eat my broccoli either.
Age 7

I’ve learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back.
Age 9

I’ve learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up again.
Age 12

I’ve learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up.
Age 14

I’ve learned that although it’s hard to admit it, I’m secretly glad my parents are strict with me.
Age 15

I’ve learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice.
Age 24

I’ve learned that brushing my child’s hair is one of life’s great pleasures.
Age 26

I’ve learned that wherever I go, the world’s worst drivers have followed me there.
Age 29

I’ve learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it.
Age 30

I’ve learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don’t know how to show it.
Age 42

I’ve learned that you can make some one’s day by simply sending them a little note.
Age 44

I’ve learned that the greater a person’s sense of guilt, the greater his or her need to cast blame on others.
Age 46

I’ve learned that children and grandparents are natural allies.
Age 47

I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.
Age 48

I’ve learned that singing “Amazing Grace” can lift my spirits for hours.
Age 49

I’ve learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone.
Age 50

I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
Age 51

I’ve learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills.
Age 52

I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die.
Age 53

I’ve learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life.
Age 58

I’ve learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, work to improve your marriage.
Age 61

I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
Age 62

I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catchers mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.
Age 64

I’ve learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.
Age 65

I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision.
Age 66

I’ve learned that everyone can use a prayer.
Age 72

I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one.
Age 82

I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch-holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
Age 90

I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn.
Age 92

I’ve learned that you should pass this on to someone you care about. Sometimes they just need a little something to make them smile.

Little Boy Was Swearing…

March 21st, 2010


The little boy was caught swearing by his teacher.

 

“Jeffrey Alan!” she said, “you shouldn’t use that kind of language. Where did you hear it?”

 

“My daddy said it,” he responded.

 

“Well, that doesn’t matter,” she explained, “You don’t know what it means.”

 

“I do, too,” Jeffrey corrected. “It means the car won’t start.”

Stockbroker Information…

January 31st, 2010


Called my stock broker this morning and asked him what I should be buying.

 

He said “Canned goods and ammunition.”

On Innovation

January 31st, 2010


According to INSEAD, a Paris based business school, the U.S. economy is the most innovative in the world and is a better position to face future economic challenges than any other country. 

 

But you knew that, right?  

 

Some thoughts on innovation:

 

“Innovation is the specific instrument of entrepreneurship. The act that endows resources with a new capacity to create wealth.” 

                  Peter Drucker

                               

“Mindless habitual behavior is the enemy of innovation.”

      Rosabeth Moss Kanter 

 

“I believe in being an innovator.”            

                         Walt Disney

  

“Innovation is the ability to see change as an opportunity-not a threat”.                              Unknown

“Innovation is the central issue in economic prosperity.”

                     Michael Porter

“The innovation point is the pivotal moment when talented and motivated people seek the opportunity to act on their ideas and dreams.”

                W. Arthur Porter

“Innovation distinguishes between a leader and a follower.”

                       Steve Jobs

 

“If you’re not failing every now and then, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative.”
Woody Allen

MEMORIZE THIS!

January 13th, 2010

1) Any time you see an E-Mail that says forward this on to ‘10′ of your friends, sign this petition, or you’ll get bad luck, good luck, or whatever, it almost always has an E-Mail tracker program attached that tracks the cookies and E-Mails of those folks you forward to. The host sender is getting a copy each time it gets forwarded and then is able to get list s of ‘activeE-Mails addresses to use in SPAM E-Mails, or sell to other spammers.


2) Almost all E-Mails that ask you to add your name and forward on to others are similar to that mass letter years ago that asked people to send business cards to t he little kid in Florida who wanted to break the Guinness Book of Records for the most cards. All it was, and all any of this type of E-Mail is, is a way to get names and ‘cookie’ tracking information for telemarketers and spammers - - to validate active E-Mail accounts for their own profitable purposes.

You can do your friend s and family members a GREAT favor by sending this information to them; you will be providing a service to your friends, and will be rewarded by not getting thousands of spam E-Mails in the future!

If you have been sending out (FORWARDING) the above kinds of E-Mail, now you know why you get so much SPAM!

Do yourself a favor and STOP adding your name(s) to those types of listings regardless how inviting they might sound!

You may think you are supporting a GREAT cause, but you are NOT in the long run. Instead, you will be getting tons of junk mail later! Plus, we are helping the spammers get rich! Let’s don’t make it easy for them!

Also: E-Mail petitions are NOT acceptable to Congress or any other organization.
To be acceptable, petitions must have a signed signature and full address of the person signing the petition.

http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/petition/internet.asp

Business Is Great!

January 13th, 2010


A landscape gardener ran a business that had been in the family for generations. The staff was happy, and customers loved to visit the store, or to have the staff work on their gardens or make deliveries - anything from bedding plants to ride-on mowers.

For as long as anyone could remember, the current owner and previous generations of owners were extremely positive happy people. Most folk assumed it was because they ran a successful business.

In fact it was the other way around… A tradition in the business was that the owner always wore a big lapel badge, saying Business Is Great!

The business was indeed generally great, although it went through tough times like any other. What never changed however was the owner’s attitude, and the badge saying Business Is Great!

Everyone who saw the badge for the first time invariably asked, “What’s so great about business?” Sometimes people would also comment that their own business was miserable, or even that they personally were miserable or stressed.

Anyhow, the Business Is Great! badge always tended to start a conversation, which typically involved the owner talking about lots of positive aspects of business and work, for example:
• the pleasure of meeting and talking with different people every day
• the reward that comes from helping staff take on new challenges and experiences
• the fun and laughter in a relaxed and healthy work environment
• the fascination in the work itself, and in the other people’s work and businesses
• the great feeling when you finish a job and do it to the best of your capabilities
• the new things you learn every day - even without looking to do so
• and the thought that everyone in business is blessed - because there are many millions of people who would swap their own situation to have the same opportunities of doing a productive meaningful work.

And so the list went on. And no matter how miserable a person was, they’d usually end up feeling a lot happier after just a couple of minutes listening to all this infectious enthusiasm and positivity.

It is impossible to quantify or measure attitude like this, but to one extent or another it’s probably a self-fulfilling prophecy, on which point, if asked about the badge in a quiet moment, the business owner would confide:

“The badge came first. The great business followed.”

Author unknown.

 

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